— Reflections and Comments on the book When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat —

The DSM-5 defines narcissism in a good one-liner: a grandiose sense of self-importance. Narcissism involves entitlement, attention seeking, overall a lack of empathy, and a lack of personal insight. The Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory places people along a spectrum of narcissism. According to Chuck DeGroat’s studies (as well as his own fifteen year inventory of psychological assessments of pastors) and other scholarly studies reveal that around eighty-five to ninety percent of pastors fall on a spectrum of Cluster-B personality disorders. Cluster-B personality disorders are defined by Mayo Clinic as “personality disorders characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.” DeGroat clarifies that this does not mean that every pastor is a narcissist but that many pastors fall within a spectrum and that there is a certain personality type drawn to pastoral ministry.

I know many pastors join the ministry because they are called by God and want to serve their fellow man. And, generally speaking, it takes a certain kind of person to get up in front of other people and be used by God to speak for God every week. This takes a certain amount of hutzpah! There is a healthy confidence required to get up on the platform and speak. This is a noble and worthy calling and I am encouraging my own children to consider this their life path. But what happens between seminary and a call to a church? Not all charismatic pastors are narcissistic but many pastors will struggle in this area and there are things pastors may do to prevent narcissism from growing into the uncontrollable and hidden blind-spot in themselves and things that a congregation may do to prevent a toxic church culture that grows narcissistic pastors. We all wage the greatest war with self but pastors fall prey to a particularly insidious temptation that many of us do not outside of social media influencers. This is the adoration of the congregation and this adoration sets them up for a life of secrecy and hidden pain.

There is a pride that sometimes comes from public speaking and there can also be a fear of losing the love of your congregation the way social media influencers fear losing followers and likes. Some pastors have grand dreams of mega churches. They are taught either by society, driven by conference leadership, or their congregation to get the three B’s of pastoral ministry: the bums in the pew, the bucks in the offering plate, and the baptisms. This becomes a pressure pushed on pastors by congregants and conferences. Numbers and dollars on their own are good things but the motive for numbers and dollars is what reveals what is at the heart of a pastor’s ministry. Is it a desire for recognition, adoration, approval from the congregation, or power? Or is it a desire to serve, love, humble one’s self, demonstrate a leader moving forward in constant repentance toward his congregation and community? Above all, is it a driving desire to please Jesus Christ first even if it means speaking things that will not make you popular with your congregation? Pastors must investigate and take close stock of their own hearts. We must all investigate the motives of our own hearts. I find it interesting that many pastors and churches cannot wait to declare their ministry numbers, activities, and good works from the pulpit yet the Biblical principal from Matthew 6:3, “do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing,” means that as soon as we announce our good deeds to the congregation in an effort to praise and flatter ourselves, they cease to be good deeds but become dead works instead. All this not only reveals a level of narcissism in a pastor but in the congregation as well.

Parishioners are often not even aware that their pastor struggles with narcissism because it is something that goes on behind the scenes. Or, parishioners simply do not have the language to define what they are observing. It is often the case that parishioners find out after the fact that, for example, thirteen staff members have left their positions and feel hurt or abused as a result of a narcissistic pastor and they are grieved because there is this debris field of pain and suffering left in the church. Churches are full of vulnerable people and parishioners need to know how their pastors react to vulnerable people. A Church Called Tov by Scott McKnight defines a healthy church culture by the way the church and primarily the pastor responds to criticism. If the response to criticism is usually negative, we need to start looking at the reasons why. Are pastors using their power to get their own way? Do they respond kindly to criticism and do they respond to the vulnerable in an empathetic way?

Chuck DeGroat is the author of the book When Narcissism Comes to Church and he is associate professor of pastoral care and counseling at Western Theological Seminary in Holland, Michigan and a former teaching pastor of City Church San Francisco and executive director of City Church's Counseling Center. He had one pastor recognize the traits of narcissism in himself (which is absolutely amazing to me) and this well known pastor said, “hey, give me a book to read so I can get better and back to ministry!” DeGroat’s response was that it is not as easy as just reading a book. It takes following the methods that Christ has laid out. DeGroat said in a podcast interview, “it gets tougher before it gets better and that requires us to look at some of the hard stuff. And, generally, when we begin to get into their stories, we begin to get into profound pain. I’m talking really young. Stories of bullying, abuse, and, if they let me in, that is when the tears begin to come. That is where I see the cathartic, ‘I can’t believe this happened.’ ‘I am so scared.‘ ‘I am so terrified.‘ It is almost like the person I am sitting with in the room goes from the put together–you know how some of these guys dress–whatever the jeans they wear now with the blazer, the shirt, the manicured hair, and the fitness. And now they look like a little boy and they are sitting in my office and they are hunched over and I’m holding them and they are weeping like a child. And that is a round about way to get to...the answer: it begins from the inside out. They recognize the deep pain that they are in. Perhaps some of the abuse that they have experienced and the bullying, recognizing their own shame.” Thinking of the pastors I know and love, this breaks my heart.

However, continuing in this vein...

“I am pained when I see men praised, flattered, and petted. God has revealed to me the fact that some who receive these attentions are unworthy to take His name upon their lips; yet they are exalted to heaven in the estimation of finite beings, who read only from outward appearance. My sisters, never pet and flatter poor, fallible, erring men, either young or old, married or unmarried. You know not their weaknesses, and you know not but that these very attentions and this profuse praise may prove their ruin. I am alarmed at the shortsightedness, the want of wisdom, that many manifest in this respect.” Adventist Home, page 335.

“Keep the eye fixed on Christ. Do not fix your attention on some favorite minister, copying his example and imitating his gestures; in short, becoming his shadow. Let no man put his mold upon you....
Praise no man; flatter no man; and permit no man to praise or flatter you. Satan will do enough of this work. Lose sight of the instrument, and think of Jesus. Praise the Lord. Give glory to God. Make melody to God in your hearts. Talk of the truth. Talk of the Christian's hope, the Christian's heaven.” Evangelism, page 630.

In short (or not so short), pastors need and demand our prayers but never our flattery or worship. Let God praise him at the last day and let us not look to them as infallible and therefore set our pastors up for a terrible fall. Support them with your prayers, they need our untiring work alongside them, and our words of encouragement. And sometimes they even require the cutting truth that wounds for the purpose of healing. The truth is that pastors, even the greatest ones, are fallible humans who have set themselves apart as an instrument of God. This is commendable and to be respected as a position of authority. To me, there is no greater profession than ministry.

Many pastors suffer in silence with issues of abuse, secret sin, and inner emotional pain because they have not dealt with many of the issues that the rest of us are free to talk about and address publicly and privately with professionals. Many congregations are simply not open to a pastor who is not “perfect,” therefore pastors with past trauma are never able to effectively deal with these issues because of a deep fear of rejection and of being “found out.”

This is why the Adventist message of the Day of Atonement is so vital to the operation of a healthy church and a healthy pastor. A healthy church and a healthy pastor recognize that the work of the gospel is to lay the glory of men and women in the dust. A healthy church and pastor are willing to have repentance be the key message and practice of their church. There is no glory for us. It is all for Jesus Christ because He left the glory of a light-filled heaven to come down to this dusty, dirty world to save us. The glory goes to no man. There is no extra credit for the pastor who builds a larger church. There is no extra credit for a nicer building. There is no extra credit for the money raised. There is no more extra credit for the man who does all these things versus the drunk on the street who accepts Christ into his heart at the last moments of his fleeting life.

What I am trying to say is that our pastors are human and we have made them superhuman and, in some cases, gods. They need more of our love and our prayers but not our adoration or worship. They are often secretly hurting and, since they are the ones called to minister, they have very few places they can go where they can be honest and lose the carefully crafted image they have designed and the image the congregation has demanded of them. Because, let’s face it, churches want to look good to the community because it helps us feel good about ourselves! A perfect, charismatic, and amazing public-speaking pastor makes us feel good and look good to those around us. It is selfish, narcissistic, and demanding of us to require perfection in our pastors. We are, in a sense, breeding and training our pastors to be narcissistic social media influencers rather than Christ-filled servants of the Most High God. In pride, we demand that our pastors be perfect because we want them to act as a mirror of our own reflection. If they are righteous and they approve of us then we must be righteous. This is a sad and hidden version of Pharisaism and puts an unprecedented and unjust amount of pressure on the pastor who is human.

And what is the result? They fall. They will, nine times out of ten, always fall. And then we all stand back aghast as if we are shocked that our hero is actually human. Personally, and I hope and I know that there are many to join me in this, I want to be the kind of church member that is prepared to help catch the man or woman who falls from grace. And like Chuck DeGroat said, be there “to hold the hunched over pastor who is weeping like a child.”

Why? Because of the Biblical concept of grace and the Day of Atonement which says, “ere by the grace of God go I.” Because, one day, I will need someone to comfort me as I weep like a child over my own selfishness and sins. Because, whether we are weeping in repentance or proudly narcissistic, God is holding us all and He always will.

Pastors, the number one thing that you can do to prevent narcissism from evolving in your own heart is to be like and study David from the Bible and pray to God for a heart change. David embraced criticism and rebuke. He purposed to be grateful for it and thanked God and his fellow men for criticism and rebuke even when it did not come in very nice ways. He sought no vengeance upon those that criticized or rebuked him. The health and level of toxicity of a pastor and/or church may be measured by how they deal with their critics.

Congregations, make zero room in your hearts for the worship of a narcissistic pastor striving for that mega church yet make all the room possible in your hearts for a pastor who is imperfect so they might have healing in Christ. Be a church that is willing to be honest and open about the faults of your church because they are there and to say otherwise is to be found a liar according to Scripture. If you, as a church, are willing to hear your critics, you are thereby implying that you are embracing repentance and are willing to be open and honest. This speaks volumes to a church community, local community, the world, to individuals, and to the pastor who might be struggling. Denial and defense speaks yet another story whether you like it or want this story or not and that story is this: we are perfect, we have no problems, and we do not want to know or want to hear about your imperfections or problems. You become a closed off, cold, and Pharisaical church. Churches embrace your critics and repentance as one of the very best tools and weapons for and against the dangers of narcissism and other issues that threaten the health of the church. By doing this, you are sending a message to the world and to your pastor that they may be open and honest with their own struggles too because their church will embrace them instead of reject them.

Please join us in our desire to have God work in us and through us, in our pastors, and in our churches to accomplish His purposes and save us all from our tendencies toward narcissism and create a healthy culture in our churches.