Being around hundreds of university students this last weekend I walked away with more than just dorm-acquired pink eye due to my compromised immune system. I walked away with a pretty good sense of why Christianity is observing a mass exodus of our young people. I met a young man over the weekend who wants nothing to do with his parents’ religion. He grew up with much of the staples of an Adventist upbringing. But instead of loving his faith, he hates it. How did that happen? I heard one kid question this young man, “why do your parents do that?” To which the young man genuinely answered in an exasperated tone, “I don’t know!”
How tragic. This young man does not know why his parents do not want him to do the things they do not do. I can almost hear this young man quipping in a nasty teenaged-tone at home with his family, “Why not!?!” And his parents reply, “Because I said so!”
Now I do not know if that really happened with this young man but I know of many other situations and in many other Christian homes where “because I said so” is the reason. When our children are little toddlers, they must do what we ask them to do certainly because we said so. But they soon grow to an age when we must start explaining to them why we are asking them to choose the narrow pathway or else. And the latter is frightening but the choice is inevitable. We cannot demand that our children follow rules that we do not explain to them.
In the Bible we see that God not only gave us the Commandments but He explains His reasoning why He did. Over and over we are given the examples of the lives of men and women who followed God’s ways and those who did not. We get to see and observe the results of these two choices. God explains everything to us. God is the kind of loving God that allows every one of us to ask Him “why?”
More often than not, we, as parents, choose to be stern on standards when mercy is what is needed. I have seen over and over again the situation where a young person leaves Christianity because their parents were too stern on standards and never explained their reasoning. It is not a bad thing when our young people ask us why we do not do something. But, too often, we have taken the questioning, and maybe the tone of questioning has much to be desired, as a threat. We feel called to defend our faith in the face of rebellion. But our vitriol is unnecessary. If our children are asking us questions, even if it is in a negative sense, that is an OPPORTUNITY to share on a heart level. Any question about God is a good question and an OPPORTUNITY not to be squandered.
As parents and leaders, we have to know that children reach a certain age when we have to explain the reasons WHY we do not do some forbidden thing or listen to, eat, wear something, etc. If we cannot explain, perhaps it is WE who need to change and not them. If we cannot explain it, we need to reevaluate our reasoning or study more. If we cannot explain it, we may need to pray and ask God why we cannot explain it. And maybe God will show that we are more afraid of what others think of us than anything else. That is parenting from fear. We cannot parent from a fear of man. That is one of several reasons why we are losing our children from the faith. The Christian church has not become what it has out of arbitrary rule setting. There is good solid and undeniable reasoning WHY God has set limits on human behavior. We need not be afraid of a little questioning and challenging of the faith. The church will stand all on its own without our fear as parents.
If we are to make a mistake, let us make a mistake on the side of mercy rather than sternness.
As a mother, I can hear the reaction to what I wrote above. I can hear every mother groaning as even I do at times out of fear for my child’s future. “Well... if I just give up on standards in the home, won’t they become a drug addict or go to prison or get someone pregnant?” I cannot say that none of those things will happen. We live in a sinful world. But I can say that if we clamp down on our young people about the music they listen to, the clothes they wear, etc. and we do not ever explain to them our reasoning why then we are just demanding they follow a rule which they will promptly break when they leave your eye line. A heart change is what is needed. That can only happen if we gently and kindly explain to them our reasoning. We need to explain to them that we were once their age and we know what it is like to want things we should not want and do things that we should not do. We need to join them in the trenches of a fallen world and say we too are tempted and tried in those same areas. But, this is why we do not do these things. It is not out of some arbitrary fear of what “so and so” will think. It is out of a love for a very real and living God.
Even then they need to know and believe that, even if they should choose not to abide by our rules and standards for Christian living, we will always love them.
“For thus says the Lord: ‘Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken, and the prey of the tyrant be rescued, for I will contend with those who contend with you, and I will save your children.’” Isaiah 49:25 ESV
It is a promise that God has given us that He will save our children. He will do it. It may not be as quick as we would have it but, if our children belong to God as we say, their life’s testimony is not up to us. Their life belongs to God. They may not even know or live like their life belongs to God but it does. God has promised that He will bring them out of captivity.
What are we to do while we wait out this promise? We are to pray and pray and pray some more. We are to unapologetically love the justice of God and embrace His grace and mercy and give it to our children as it has been so graciously been poured out on us.
We must do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God at home with our family more than any other group of people. God help us all to win back our young people to the church.
“Happy are the parents whose lives are a true reflection of the divine, so that the promises and commands of God awaken in the child gratitude and reverence; the parents whose tenderness and justice and long-suffering interpret to the child the love and justice and long-suffering of God, and who by teaching the child to love and trust and obey them, are teaching him to love and trust and obey his Father in heaven. Parents who impart to the child such a gift have endowed him with a treasure more precious than the wealth of all the ages, a treasure as enduring as eternity.” - Prophets and Kings, page 245.
There is one more crucial thing that parents must do to reach their children. I will tell you about it in my next post.
